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!Me llamo Satan¡ De nada.

screamingthesilence:

ALRIGHT LISTEN UP MY LITTLE SHITS

APPARENTLY NOBODY’S HEARD OF PROPER FUCKING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES SO I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU FUCKS HOW TO MAKE ONE

FIRST STRUT YOUR FINE ASS OVER TO YOUR FREEZY BOX AND GRAB YOURSELF SOME OF THAT SWEET WOMAN OF JESUS AUNT JEMIMA’S WAFFLES AND YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM. IF YOU DON’T HAVE YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM THAN JUST GRAB WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU GOT IN THERE. IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY DAMN ICE CREAM THEN SHIT MAN YOU’RE OUT OF LUCK.

image

IF YOU’RE NOT A WHINY PANSY AND YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE BEING A HARDCORE MOTHER FUCKER THEN TOSS IN SOME OTHER SHIT YOU LIKE

image

BUT FOR RIGHT NOW I’M GOING TO FOCUS ON ALL YOU PANSIES WHO WANT YOUR ICE CREAM UNTAINTED BY OTHER SUCCULENT TOPPINGS

RIP INTO THAT BOX OF SWEET AUNTIE’S WAFFLES AND FIRMLY GRASP TWO

NO MORE THAN TWO

JUST DON’T DO IT

YOU ARE NOT YET READY FOR THE COLOSSAL CREAM CLUB SUB  

ONCE YOU HAVE THOSE TWO LITTLE SHITS IN YOUR HAND THROW THEM ACROSS THE ROOM SO THAT THEY LAND PERFECTLY IN YOUR TOASTER

IF YOUR AIM SUCKS ASS JUST PUT THEM IN GENTLY WHILE TRASH TALKING YOUR TOASTER BECAUSE YOU’RE STILL HARDCORE

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WHILE YOU’RE WAITING FOR YOUR WAFFLES TO BE AS TOASTY AS YOUR CHOICE ASS RUN OUTSIDE AND SMASH A CAR OR SOMETHING

BY THE TIME YOU WASH THE BLOOD OFF YOUR HANDS THOSE DELICIOUS LITTLE SYRUP DISKS SHOULD BE READY FOR ACTION

TOSS THOSE FUCKERS ON A PLATE AND PILE THE CREAMY GOODNESS ON ONE OF THEM

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COVER UP THAT SHIT WITH YOUR OTHER WAFFLE AND WHIP OUT THAT BUTTERFLY BLADE YOU KEEP ON YOUR PERSON AT ALL TIMES BECAUSE THE THUG LIFE CHOSE YOU

STAB THE BASTARD REPEATEDLY UNTIL IT’S PERFECTLY SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE YOU’RE A CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER

image 

NOW FOR YOU SICK FUCKS THAT THINK YOU CAN HANDLE MORE TOPPINGS YOU’RE GOING TO DO THE SAME SHIT THAT I JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU TO DO BUT BEFORE YOU PILE ON YOUR ICE CREAM YOU WANT TO LATHER YOUR PEANUT BUTTER/ CHOCOLATE SYRUP/ WHATEVER YOU CAN FIND ONTO THE WAFFLE

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THEN DUMP OTHER TASTY SHIT ON THERE AS YOU SEE FIT

YOU GET TO FIGURE OUT THAT PART I’M NOT GOING TO HOLD YOUR HAND THROUGH THIS WHOLE PROCESS LITTLE SHITLET

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AND AFTER THAT JUST GO BACK UP AND READ THE PANSY INSTRUCTIONS BECAUSE THEY’RE THE SAME THING FROM HERE OUT

CONGRATULATIONS YOU JUST MADE A MOTHERFUCKING ICE CREAM SANDWICH AND YOUR PRIZE IS YOU GET TO GO DEVOUR IT LIKE IT’S THE BEST THING YOU’VE TASTED SINCE YOUR MOTHER’S BREAST MILK BECAUSE IT DAMN SURE IS

image 

(Source: steelandsparks)

muffintop-less:

This looks so helpful! Veggie cooking cheat sheet!

muffintop-less:

This looks so helpful! Veggie cooking cheat sheet!

prettygirlfood:

Tomato Soup Grilled Cheese: Soup in a Sandwich
makes two sandwiches
For the creamy tomato soup spread1 1/2 tablespoons lowfat cream cheese1 tsp sundried tomato paste1 tsp regular tomato pastescant 1/2 teaspoon sugarfreshly ground pepper
For sandwiches1/2 cup grated cheddar cheese1/2 cup grated asiago cheese4 slices light wheat bread1 1/2 T butter, melted
Mix cream cheese, sundried tomato paste, tomato paste, sugar, and a quick grind of pepper in a small bowl until smooth. Set aside. Grate cheese and toss the two types together to mix. Warm a large, seasoned cast iron pan over medium. Brush one side of each slice of bread with melted butter. Flip bread and spread other side of each piece of bread with tomato soup spread. You should use all of it.
Place 2 slices of bread, butter side down, in preheated pan. Turn pan down to low. Divide grated cheese among the two slices and distribute in an even layer all the way to the edges. Top each with the other slices of bread, tomato side down, butter side up. Press down with a spatula and cover with a lid. Cook on low 5 minutes, then turn carefully, holding sandwich together. Cook another five minutes on low, uncovered. You can continue to flip and cook if bread is not adequately brown, checking every minute or so.
Cut each sandwich in half, and serve with a green salad or quick pickles.

prettygirlfood:

Tomato Soup Grilled Cheese: Soup in a Sandwich

makes two sandwiches

For the creamy tomato soup spread
1 1/2 tablespoons lowfat cream cheese
1 tsp sundried tomato paste
1 tsp regular tomato paste
scant 1/2 teaspoon sugar
freshly ground pepper

For sandwiches
1/2 cup grated cheddar cheese
1/2 cup grated asiago cheese
4 slices light wheat bread
1 1/2 T butter, melted

Mix cream cheese, sundried tomato paste, tomato paste, sugar, and a quick grind of pepper in a small bowl until smooth. Set aside. Grate cheese and toss the two types together to mix. Warm a large, seasoned cast iron pan over medium. Brush one side of each slice of bread with melted butter. Flip bread and spread other side of each piece of bread with tomato soup spread. You should use all of it.

Place 2 slices of bread, butter side down, in preheated pan. Turn pan down to low. Divide grated cheese among the two slices and distribute in an even layer all the way to the edges. Top each with the other slices of bread, tomato side down, butter side up. Press down with a spatula and cover with a lid. Cook on low 5 minutes, then turn carefully, holding sandwich together. Cook another five minutes on low, uncovered. You can continue to flip and cook if bread is not adequately brown, checking every minute or so.

Cut each sandwich in half, and serve with a green salad or quick pickles.

cookingformorons:

It has been brought to our attention that there are people who do not understand the directions on the side of a Kraft mac and cheese box. It’s okay. Calm yourselves. You can cook, it’s not hard, really.

BASIC GENERAL TIPS

  • Google is your friend. You will never go wrong…

oneknifekitchen:

it’s a fuckin’ kitchen tool to press soft food thru like potato or your fried bacon brain

wow, everybody, hold the fucking phone

JOE (triumph@yahoo.com), who is recovering from a tragic loss of his sense of humor, has re-learned how to use www.google.com and would like to share with us what he’s found

good job Joe

for your next assignment, try entering “how not to be an condescending pissbag” in the search bar and report back for your sticker

goingthrusomethings:

GOD BLESS THIS ONE-POT WONDER!
This is my new, go-to recipe: Pasta with Garlicky Broccoli Rabe via Smitten Kitchen. 
You cook the broccoli and the pasta together, in the same pot, at the same time. It’s so insanely easy!
Plus, it has a spicy garlic, red pepper flake and olive oil sauce which you can also make in the same pot. 
I used gluten-free Tinkyáda spiral noodles in mine, which I highly recommend. 

goingthrusomethings:

GOD BLESS THIS ONE-POT WONDER!

This is my new, go-to recipe: Pasta with Garlicky Broccoli Rabe via Smitten Kitchen

You cook the broccoli and the pasta together, in the same pot, at the same time. It’s so insanely easy!

Plus, it has a spicy garlic, red pepper flake and olive oil sauce which you can also make in the same pot. 

I used gluten-free Tinkyáda spiral noodles in mine, which I highly recommend. 

goingthrusomethings:

GOD BLESS THIS ONE-POT WONDER!
This is my new, go-to recipe: Pasta with Garlicky Broccoli Rabe via Smitten Kitchen. 
You cook the broccoli and the pasta together, in the same pot, at the same time. It’s so insanely easy!
Plus, it has a spicy garlic, red pepper flake and olive oil sauce which you can also make in the same pot. 
I used gluten-free Tinkyáda spiral noodles in mine, which I highly recommend. 

goingthrusomethings:

GOD BLESS THIS ONE-POT WONDER!

This is my new, go-to recipe: Pasta with Garlicky Broccoli Rabe via Smitten Kitchen

You cook the broccoli and the pasta together, in the same pot, at the same time. It’s so insanely easy!

Plus, it has a spicy garlic, red pepper flake and olive oil sauce which you can also make in the same pot. 

I used gluten-free Tinkyáda spiral noodles in mine, which I highly recommend. 

fall-out-boy:

on this day, 6 yrs ago, bruno mars was surprised to see pete wentz

fall-out-boy:

on this day, 6 yrs ago, bruno mars was surprised to see pete wentz

(Source: ovarytissue)

bandparade:

Vic Fuentes  - Pierce The Veil (x)

bandparade:

Vic Fuentes  - Pierce The Veil (x)

allforatl:

isleptwithalexgaskarth:

i will never get over this

THAT SMILE! My heart is a puddle of mush now. 

allforatl:

isleptwithalexgaskarth:

i will never get over this

THAT SMILE! My heart is a puddle of mush now. 

(Source: )

wethinktherefore:

bisexualfunfacts:

Fact: Unlike the gay agenda™, the bisexual agenda contains a 15 minute break for snacks between sessions.

Fact: The asexual agenda is entirely made of snacks, with a 15 minute break for all out anarchy

dorkball-mcgee:

dorkball-mcgee:

Why did Stan Lee make a cameo in The Princess Diaries 2? Was this foreshadowing Disney buying Marvel? Is Princess Mia going to be an Avenger? So many questions

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In case you though I was joking

weeping-angels-take-the-ponds:

vonmunsterr:

ghostsneverleave:

insanihty:

xxarcane:

youremybrandnewday:

sp0tlessmiind:

tiptreecrossing:


livingmywayeveryday:

vickified:


“If a clock could count down to the moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?”

lol yes, so then i can shave.

     One minute, 37 seconds.     My legs are shaking. Holy cow, there is no way I can do this. None.     One minute, 29 secods.     I glance around at the faces surrounding the room. Of course my Meeting would take place in the gross, overcrowded cafeteria.     One minute, six seconds.     Somewhere within these four walls, someone has the exact same countdown on their wrist. They’re going through the exact same pressure as me.      54 seconds.     Mom said I should be excited, not nervous. Yet I still find myself wiping my sweaty palms on my dress. I can’t believe she talked me into wearing a dress. I mean, shouldn’t  my Soul Mate meet me as I normally am? All plain jeans, blah shirts, and wild brown curls?     30 seconds.     Something deep within me tells me to stand up. I do, drawing the attention of my tablemates. They all know too. They smile encouragingly up at me. I chew my lip nervously.     25 seconds.     That same feeling pulls me towards the center of the room. My stomach drops away from me as I take a step in that direction.     20 seconds.     I continue in that direction. With each step the tempo of my heart picks up.     19. Faster.     18. Quicker.     17. More rapid.     16.  It’s racing.     Oh my god this is it. The moment my life changes forever.     My eyes search frantically around the cafeteria, searching for someone who looks as nervous as me. For someone who’s heading towards their future with no sense of direction like me.     10 seconds.     The feeling directs me slightly to the left. I turn to accomodate.     5. My heart has given up entirely.     4. I stop walking.     3. Just waiting left.     2. Everything is about to change.     1. Deep breath.
     0000 d 00 h  00 m  00 s
     Someone bumps my shoulder. I twirl around and my gray eyes meet blue, blue ones.     “Hello there, love. It appears as though we’re Soul Mates then, eh?”     As my words fail me, the only thing I can think is “I’m so glad I shaved this morning.”

“Thats weird…” I checked my wrist, the clock had just hit the 30 second mark but I looked around and there was no one there. I was a worrisome guy overall but I felt justified, I mean today was the day I was meeting my soul mate. Not that I expected my dream girl to be in the storage closet at work but still I was nervous. 
Walking out with a box the boss had requested I walked back to my cash register setting it on the shelf. My wrist hit the 20 second mark
19 seconds
18 seconds
Where was she? I could not help but get worried that an error would pop up or that she was gone and my timer would run out with no response. I panicked, I’d change my own fate if I had to. Running out of time I hurried through the back door. There was a park outside and maybe I was supposed to be there to find my soul mate. 
10 seconds
9 seconds
A faint ding of the doorbell hit my ear. Wait was that it?? She was here! I turned around running back to the counter. “Don’t worry I’m just in the back!”
I ran out looking at my wrist as it hit zero. Out of breath “Hi I’m Matt!” Sticking out my hand for a handshake it was met by a firm hand. Meeting my soulmate’s eyes for the first time they spoke. 
“I’m Steven.” The man gave a smile “It’s nice to meet you.” 

 I watch my friend carefully. Her excitement is glowing all over her pretty face. Exactly 2 minutes left, she tells me. We’re waiting at the bus stop and the bus is coming in two minutes. I think she hoped she’d meet them on a beach at sunset or something. ”I mean that’s ok - these things can’t always be romantic I mean my mum met dad when he was working at the book store and it’s not like you can plan it to be romantic I just hoped, I mean everyone hopes don’t they-” she breaks off, looking at me awkwardly. “Sorry. It’s just a big day for me you know.” Yes I do know. You’ve been going on about it for the past year. I smile at her. ”Don’t worry. You nervous? You’ll be ok, you always are,” I grin, determined not to ruin this for her. It’s selfish of me to be moody. This is her future being determined. Right here. In now, precisely 1 minute 30 seconds. She smiles at me, but it isn’t quite reaching her eyes. She’s restless and keeps tapping her foot. Her eyes are wide with.. fear? Excitement? Nerves? Probably all of them and a thousand more things I can’t imagine. She keeps checking her wrist. So do I. The bus comes around the corner. 1 minute 10 seconds. ”Hey. I’ll leave you alone now ok? The bus is here. I’ll sit a couple of seats away, and be there if you need me,” I say, squeezing her arm reassuringly. “Good luck.” I hope it sounded sincere. The bus pulls up and I climb on first, taking a quick glance at her while I give the driver my ticket. She’s shaking and looks a little green. I want to give her a hug but know I shouldn’t interrupt now. I look at the passengers and it’s full of pensioners. My heart starts beating frantically. What? I can’t see anyone else at the bus stop. But she’s only 18, she can’t end up with a 80 year old.  I turn around and look at her - she’s breathing hard. The bus driver asks if she’s ok but she ignores him. Her eyebrows are creased and her face is flushed. Oh. Oh no. Stay calm. Someone is probably late. I give her a thumbs up and try to smile reassuringly. I think it’s more of a grimace. I take a seat near the back. Look at my watch. 25 seconds. She sits down a few seats away.
 Suddenly a dark shape runs past my window and a boy jumps on the bus. He has that same frantic look in his eyes. I breathe out with relief. ”Yeah get on, we’re running late,” the driver says, taking his ticket. The boy looks around, carefully stepping towards the seats. He’s tall and handsome, holding a sketchbook. I smile slightly; my friend hates art. 4 seconds He spots her. 3 seconds His eyes widen as he walks closer, as if being pulled by an invisible rope. 2 seconds My friend stands up too, that same rope tying her to him. 1 second - ”I was worried the bus would leave. No way could I miss meeting my soul mate!” he jokes, though he looks just as nervous as she. They smile at each other as they both sit down together. I can’t hear what they’re talking about.
 I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Suddenly I’m crying. Hot tears dropping down my cheeks.
 I look at my wrist, scratching at it. Trying to get rid of it. 
 The numbers have never changed.
 They’ve always been at 0.

Oh my god that last one…. My heart… The feels….

AGH ALL OF YOU WRITE A BOOK THIS VERY INSTANT. PLEASE.

this is beautiful and everyone needs to read it

i hate you tumblr, fucking breaking my goddamn heart

Then, one day, you’re having dinner with a friend you’ve known for as long as you can remember (or perhaps a friend of the family), and you finally talk to them about your counter. You’re crying, explaining that it’s always been at 0, and so you must not have a soul-mate.
Their eyes widen. Tears begin to form, and they throw their arms around you.
"Mine has always been at 0 too."
And that’s when you know…

10 seconds: the doorbell rings, i get out of my chair5 seconds: i give the man my money0 seconds: i open the box. it is the most glorious pizza i have ever seen in my life.

Just imagine that when you’re just starting kindergarten and they teach you about the time on your wrist, and you raise your hand in confusion and say “Mine isn’t working.” and one other kid says “Mine too.” And it’s the first kid you met on the first day of school. And your teacher just smiles at you two and you just sit there, young and confused until it sinks in a bit later.

weeping-angels-take-the-ponds:

vonmunsterr:

ghostsneverleave:

insanihty:

xxarcane:

youremybrandnewday:

sp0tlessmiind:

tiptreecrossing:

livingmywayeveryday:

vickified:

If a clock could count down to the moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?

lol yes, so then i can shave.

     One minute, 37 seconds.
     My legs are shaking. Holy cow, there is no way I can do this. None.
     One minute, 29 secods.
     I glance around at the faces surrounding the room. Of course my Meeting would take place in the gross, overcrowded cafeteria.
     One minute, six seconds.
     Somewhere within these four walls, someone has the exact same countdown on their wrist. They’re going through the exact same pressure as me.
      54 seconds.
     Mom said I should be excited, not nervous. Yet I still find myself wiping my sweaty palms on my dress. I can’t believe she talked me into wearing a dress. I mean, shouldn’t  my Soul Mate meet me as I normally am? All plain jeans, blah shirts, and wild brown curls?
     30 seconds.
     Something deep within me tells me to stand up. I do, drawing the attention of my tablemates. They all know too. They smile encouragingly up at me. I chew my lip nervously.
     25 seconds.
     That same feeling pulls me towards the center of the room. My stomach drops away from me as I take a step in that direction.
     20 seconds.
     I continue in that direction. With each step the tempo of my heart picks up.
     19. Faster.
     18. Quicker.
     17. More rapid.
     16.  It’s racing.
     Oh my god this is it. The moment my life changes forever.
     My eyes search frantically around the cafeteria, searching for someone who looks as nervous as me. For someone who’s heading towards their future with no sense of direction like me.
     10 seconds.
     The feeling directs me slightly to the left. I turn to accomodate.
     5. My heart has given up entirely.
     4. I stop walking.
     3. Just waiting left.
     2. Everything is about to change.
     1. Deep breath.

     0000 d 00 h  00 m  00 s

     Someone bumps my shoulder. I twirl around and my gray eyes meet blue, blue ones.
     “Hello there, love. It appears as though we’re Soul Mates then, eh?”
     As my words fail me, the only thing I can think is “I’m so glad I shaved this morning.”

“Thats weird…” I checked my wrist, the clock had just hit the 30 second mark but I looked around and there was no one there. I was a worrisome guy overall but I felt justified, I mean today was the day I was meeting my soul mate. Not that I expected my dream girl to be in the storage closet at work but still I was nervous. 

Walking out with a box the boss had requested I walked back to my cash register setting it on the shelf. My wrist hit the 20 second mark

19 seconds

18 seconds

Where was she? I could not help but get worried that an error would pop up or that she was gone and my timer would run out with no response. I panicked, I’d change my own fate if I had to. Running out of time I hurried through the back door. There was a park outside and maybe I was supposed to be there to find my soul mate. 

10 seconds

9 seconds

A faint ding of the doorbell hit my ear. Wait was that it?? She was here! I turned around running back to the counter. “Don’t worry I’m just in the back!”

I ran out looking at my wrist as it hit zero. Out of breath “Hi I’m Matt!” Sticking out my hand for a handshake it was met by a firm hand. Meeting my soulmate’s eyes for the first time they spoke. 

“I’m Steven.” The man gave a smile “It’s nice to meet you.” 

 I watch my friend carefully. Her excitement is glowing all over her pretty face. Exactly 2 minutes left, she tells me. We’re waiting at the bus stop and the bus is coming in two minutes. I think she hoped she’d meet them on a beach at sunset or something.
 ”I mean that’s ok - these things can’t always be romantic I mean my mum met dad when he was working at the book store and it’s not like you can plan it to be romantic I just hoped, I mean everyone hopes don’t they-” she breaks off, looking at me awkwardly. “Sorry. It’s just a big day for me you know.” Yes I do know. You’ve been going on about it for the past year. I smile at her.
 ”Don’t worry. You nervous? You’ll be ok, you always are,” I grin, determined not to ruin this for her. It’s selfish of me to be moody. This is her future being determined. Right here. In now, precisely 1 minute 30 seconds.
 She smiles at me, but it isn’t quite reaching her eyes. She’s restless and keeps tapping her foot. Her eyes are wide with.. fear? Excitement? Nerves? Probably all of them and a thousand more things I can’t imagine. She keeps checking her wrist. So do I. The bus comes around the corner. 1 minute 10 seconds.
 ”Hey. I’ll leave you alone now ok? The bus is here. I’ll sit a couple of seats away, and be there if you need me,” I say, squeezing her arm reassuringly. “Good luck.” I hope it sounded sincere.

 The bus pulls up and I climb on first, taking a quick glance at her while I give the driver my ticket. She’s shaking and looks a little green. I want to give her a hug but know I shouldn’t interrupt now. I look at the passengers and it’s full of pensioners. My heart starts beating frantically. What? I can’t see anyone else at the bus stop. But she’s only 18, she can’t end up with a 80 year old. 
 I turn around and look at her - she’s breathing hard. The bus driver asks if she’s ok but she ignores him. Her eyebrows are creased and her face is flushed. Oh. Oh no. Stay calm. Someone is probably late. I give her a thumbs up and try to smile reassuringly. I think it’s more of a grimace.

 I take a seat near the back. Look at my watch. 25 seconds. She sits down a few seats away.

 Suddenly a dark shape runs past my window and a boy jumps on the bus. He has that same frantic look in his eyes. I breathe out with relief.
 ”Yeah get on, we’re running late,” the driver says, taking his ticket. The boy looks around, carefully stepping towards the seats. He’s tall and handsome, holding a sketchbook. I smile slightly; my friend hates art.
 4 seconds
 He spots her.
 3 seconds
 His eyes widen as he walks closer, as if being pulled by an invisible rope.
 2 seconds
 My friend stands up too, that same rope tying her to him.
 1 second -
 ”I was worried the bus would leave. No way could I miss meeting my soul mate!” he jokes, though he looks just as nervous as she. They smile at each other as they both sit down together. I can’t hear what they’re talking about.

 I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Suddenly I’m crying. Hot tears dropping down my cheeks.

 I look at my wrist, scratching at it. Trying to get rid of it. 

 The numbers have never changed.

 They’ve always been at 0.

Oh my god that last one…. My heart… The feels….

AGH ALL OF YOU WRITE A BOOK THIS VERY INSTANT. PLEASE.

this is beautiful and everyone needs to read it

i hate you tumblr, fucking breaking my goddamn heart

Then, one day, you’re having dinner with a friend you’ve known for as long as you can remember (or perhaps a friend of the family), and you finally talk to them about your counter. You’re crying, explaining that it’s always been at 0, and so you must not have a soul-mate.

Their eyes widen. Tears begin to form, and they throw their arms around you.

"Mine has always been at 0 too."

And that’s when you know…

10 seconds: the doorbell rings, i get out of my chair

5 seconds: i give the man my money

0 seconds: i open the box. it is the most glorious pizza i have ever seen in my life.

Just imagine that when you’re just starting kindergarten and they teach you about the time on your wrist, and you raise your hand in confusion and say “Mine isn’t working.” and one other kid says “Mine too.” And it’s the first kid you met on the first day of school. And your teacher just smiles at you two and you just sit there, young and confused until it sinks in a bit later.

(Source: illness-and-instruments)

rajavocative:

ayyy